Confessions of the Unhappy

          I guess this is me having a midlife crisis but I just came from taking a shower and I looked in the mirror. I was surprised  because the person I saw looked like no one knew, for a moment I was confused with who exactly that person was looking back at me. She looks like a stranger. 

          As I gazed at myself I realized that I am old. And I don’t mean that in the dramatic sense like I'm an old lady but I mean I am getting older. I am not a kid anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’m drifting in life but I just can’t seem to find where I’m going, who I am or who it is that I want to be. I just don’t know anything. And when I was looking in the mirror just then I had this striking sense of disappointment of what I saw. What if my younger self met me now? Would she be impressed because honestly I’m not even impressed.

         When I was ten I figured that by the time I was 21 I’d be a big somebody I’d be slim, chic, and simply fabulous; a big girl with all her shit together, and perhaps I’d even have a boy who loved and cared about me. I figured by that time I would have experienced my first real love that shook me to the core and changed me. But I haven’t because I’m emotionally guarded and it’s almost like I’m allergic or simply terrified of being close to anyone. And the one person that I want is with someone else which is somewhat tragic but not the end of the world; because deep down I know it would never actually work . And when I see all of my friends, and my sisters and all the random lovely dovey couples around me sometimes I wonder when will it be my turn. When will I find my person that just gets me, and wants me for me.

          I looked in the mirror and realized that in 2 weeks I’ll be 19 and next year I’ll be 20 then the year after that I’ll be 21 and I’m nowhere near being anything  like what I dreamed. I don’t know shit about shit. School is literally kicking my ass because in this particular moment I’m not into it. And career wise I just don’t know how to take the first step to get me started, and my romantic life is almost completely nonexistent because I’ve been stuck on the same person from the moment I met him. But everyone thinks I’m okay and that life is amazing just smooth sailing. But I’m mentally and physically exhausted; I need a breath of fresh air something to shake me up. I looked in the mirror today and I got a reality check I am sad and lonely. And life is nothing but a series of  unexpected question marks , it’s never anything like you dream it to be. Shit happens and you’ll never be actually what you thought you would be, but you just have to learn to be okay with that. So as 19 approaches I'll be taking it with stride because I'm hoping life gets better.

xoxo Lulu